Tag: Hope

Hope for 2021

    K Ghislaine
Hope for 2021

As 2020 makes its miserable leave of our lives, I am surprised to say, that I am actually hopeful. Not only for the vaccine, and humanity coming together again in the near future, but for completely selfish reasons, me. I have been dealt blow after blow, as I am positive many of you out there can relate to, and while the temptation to be bitter is just under the surface something much more prominent is brewing… hope. In my short lifetime, I have given my heart to many people and have had it stomped on and thrown right back in my face. I have been mentally, emotionally, and physically abused more times than I care to admit, and perhaps it would be easier if I just retreated into my shell, yet, I am inextricably driven by hope. Hope for a future with love, passion, and all the amazing adventures that I absolutely know are out there for me.

I don’t know why I believe this is a part of my future, because the evidence definitely speaks to the contrary. But, here I sit, writing with this calm sense of knowing. Somewhere, there is a match. Someplace right now, there is a person who will love me for all of my flaws, and my randomness. Why? Because I know I can love them in return for all of their imperfections. The pain I have lived has shown me this boundless capacity for love.

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It’s strange. A few years ago, when exploring polyamory for the first time, I was faced with the intriguing concept that humans can love more than one person. I instantly understood that, and I sought to find friendships that went beyond just superficial drinking buddies. I can say with certainty that I have a group in my inner circle that I love. That friendship goes far beyond what I knew was possible as a child. And while I won’t be getting naked in front a room of strangers this year to ring in the New Year, I am hopeful that in year to come, I will get more intimate and equally exhilarating moments sprinkled throughout.

And now, with that same sense of wonder, I approach 2021 with hope. Maybe this year won’t share with me my true love, but I will be damned if I will be harnessed by the bitterness of my past experiences. I just don’t have that in me. If I let those shadows take me, even for a few moments, I know I would struggle to get out. So, instead, I am accepting that I have skeletons in my closet, of which I will deal with, and not allow me to remain frozen in fear of rejection. For 2021, I have an open arms and an open heart and I truly with the same for everyone reading this. Cheers to a 2021 filled with hope and opportunity!

And a huge thank you to every single person who fuelled me with beer money to get through 2020 on Patreon.  You are my hero’s!  

Hope, Hugs, and Other Thoughts

    K Ghislaine
The Start of a Pineapple

I awoke this morning with the lingering and if I’m honest tingling sensation of an amazing and sexy dream. As I lay there, I tried to remember every single juicy detail of the dream that had me feeling so alive, and slowly the full picture appeared. Wait! That couldn’t be right. There must be more to what made me feel so alive, invigorated, and almost goddess like. And yet, the memory felt correct. I dreamed that a guy told me I made him feel better, hugged me, and asked me if I felt better. No we were not laying in bed, naked, in a tangled web of sheets. We were bundled up, after walking our respective dogs, and simply had a moment of truth.

For whatever reason, I had started crying and he showed me kindness by holding me. Even now, writing these words I am crying (holy frick you could play a drinking game based on how many times I have cried writing blog posts this past year!). The impact of another human being caring about me, holding me, and then opening up themselves is… missing. Deep down, that is the intimacy I crave right now. A real connection. That bond. Isolation does crazy things to a person. In fact, it is forcing me to do a hard reset and I have fought it every step of the way!

Four or five years ago, I was out there chasing butterflies and that first touch. Looking for new, exciting, and mere moments that I hoped would turn into a variety of sexy and incredible adventures that I could share with my partner. And now, as that dream reminded me, I just want a meaningful hug. One that opens two people up to each other. A hug that bears the raw souls of the individuals. I know a moment like this cannot be forced, rushed, or even searched for. It will happen organically when I least expect it. But hot damn… for a dream about a hug to do what it did to me. It really puts everything about the here and now into perspective.

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In the last 48 hours, hope has been stripped away from me. Not in some malicious or ill intended way, but more subtle. I have been trying to find joy in the small things like an innocent flirtation with people I see at work (not co-workers to be clear) and whoosh… Covid has again slammed that door. Next up was online dating but I find it completely barren of any human who will chat with me in one sitting. It seems that 4 – 5 days is the new norm for response time? So that fun little outlet has turned into something I dread. Getting my hopes dashed day after day when I match with someone only to have the conversation dwindle away into nothingness.

And finally, the last straw, I realized that my intense and passionate personality may be what has so many people from my past choosing friendship rather than intimacy with me. Foolishly I created hope, that I could get a few things going with people from my past and kindle some new possibilities. But, as it turns out it wasn’t just bad timing. It was in fact, that the interest just wasn’t/isn’t there. In the last decade, I have been able to pursue anything that I wanted. The fact that I held, and that they held off means something. And well, I just didn’t want to see all these things at the same time.

So, when I went to sleep last night, my brain did the one thing it could. It showed me the most basic form of human intimacy, and the reality of what I am missing. Hope. It put all the things that I couldn’t process together. A touch rarely leads to anything more than just a hug, but maybe just maybe one in the future will absolutely rock me, and spark that passion. For now, I just have to live each day for the moment it is, knowing that it will all start when we can touch again.

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