Chemistry is Key… The Couples Quest Continues

I started writing this post a few days ago in full story mode.  I plotted out all the details of our first couples date in quite a while, sparing few details of the getting ready, meeting, and the unfortunate conclusion that we came to after an hour or so of conversation.  My intention was to share with you our real life account of what dating couples is actually like, but this morning my fierce editing pen took hold and scrapped the whole idea.  Whether you are monogamous or not, you are fully aware of what happens when you meet someone for drinks and there is just zero chemistry.  I felt that I brought nothing to the table by sharing just one more lackluster date.  So, I began again, with a new focus, chemistry.

So often you have a gut reaction to a person that is far beyond your control.  You are either attracted to them, or you’re not, the chemical reaction of attraction.  I have read quite a few books as of late that talk about that chemistry, Do Gentleman Really Prefer Blonds? and The Natural History of Love to name a few, and they all conclude the same thing, chemistry is out of our conscious control.  Ok, fine, let’s trust the experts on this one.  But if it’s out of our control, then that means trying to find couples that we are attracted to, and want to become physical with becomes a numbers game.  The overwhelming variables that have to line up between 4 people becomes astronomically complex.  So complex in fact, that the headspace I need to be in to even attempt it, is a feat in of itself.  So here I sit, puzzled, and a little overwhelmed by it all.  People and relationships are complex and unique and a big part of what really attracts me to this non-monogamous lifestyle.

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But in order to get to the fun part, and build connections with people I have to take a step back and re-evaluate the initial process.  I have to take a page out of my partners book and start playing the initial numbers game.  I have to take a risk, and play the odds.  Just go out on a whole bunch of dates.  It’s time to lower the extremely high standards I have and filters that I have so meticulously put in place and just start having some fun meeting new people.  The downsides to this way of thinking of course is the money, scheduling, and time investment.  But if I really think about that, the experience of it all should outweigh the initial sting of just getting out there and being social.  Who cares if on paper the couple doesn’t seem to be a long term fit.  Maybe, just maybe they will surprize me and an amazing opportunity will arise.  Perhaps playing the numbers game, we will find ourselves exposed to new ways of thinking, new groups and a few really sexy adventures. 

If I am trying to shift my focus from the magnitude of the situation and break it down into a numbers games, I might end up in a place whereby I am not emotional about it, just practical.  And the only way to make this numbers game a viable option is to boil the whole thing down to one common denominator, is there any chemistry?  Going out into the wild, with a commonality, having some fun in an attempt to asses if there chemistry with strangers.  If there is a spark the possibilities are endless.  And if there isn’t, we finish our beers and move to the next opportunity.  So, there I have it, the breaking down of the couples quest and the over whelming magnitude of it all into one bite sized and achievable test, is their a spark?  Now to begin the messages… stay tuned.

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Oops! I Read the Comments Section When a Dating Blogger Mentioned an Open Relationship

So of course, just when I think people are starting to come around to the acceptance of non-monogamy, I go ahead and read a few words of “wisdom” from the real world.  Ugh!

Let me preface this by saying proudly that I am exuberant over the love, support and acceptance I have found in my real life, and my social media world.  I have worked hard to surround myself with educated and loving people, with whom I respect even at moments of disagreement and with whom I have convinced myself that they show the same respect for mine.  But in the last few weeks, I have seen something that takes me back to a time before I found this incredible community and it’s heartbreaking.

There is a dating blogger who is sharing her story about being in her first open relationship (the specifics about committing to this or trying to run away screaming are not really relevant here).  So, I will simply summarize by saying she is sleeping with a man who is polyamorous and engaged to another women, and whatever her actual motivations are, she is sharing this experience on her blog.  And as such, I have been reading and following along, with a bit of nostalgia, going back to when I first met E, and all the ups and downs that I experienced learning about non-monogamy for the first time.  And that was all well and good, up until I saw her comment section explode and I made the horrific mistake of reading a few opinions on the matter.

The majority of the male comments reflect the notion that this guy is a creep and manipulating the dating blogger for sex.  This sentiment is echoed by the female majority saying things like, “run now”, or “I’ve been down this road and it only leads to heartache”, and “why are you wasting your time on someone who could never love you?”.  All in all, it is doom, gloom, judgement and criticism from a monogamous side of the world that I don’t often see. 

How is this possible, you may be asking yourself, given the content of your blog?  Honestly?  I’m not 100 percent sure, so if you want to weigh in on this, please be my guest (in the comment section would be lovely!).  What I do know is that my blog didn’t evolve to non-monogamy, and thus I have never captured this broader monogamous audience.  I have been very open and honest right from the get go about what content lies within.  And whenever I write something controversial, I try to do my research ahead of time, and aim to present a balance of ideas whenever possible.  Again, this really is a point that you, dear readers are welcome to share your rational for coming back week after week.

But back to the comment section of this particular blogger.  You see, she is doing something incredibly tricky, which is to explain a situation to an unwilling audience, and that is what directly challenges their core beliefs about the evils of non-monogamy.  It is so easy to use words like cheater, manipulator and user.  So much so, that I believe if this guy ever found out about her blog, he would end things immediately.  Some perceptions you just cannot come back from regardless of your intentions.  So I sit here, reading comments and feeling heartbreak and shame that this is the world that open, polyamorous and swingers really fear.  This judgemental, and hate filled place, shouting uneducated opinions and all manor of unsympathetic close-minded views really exists.  For you see, this is a place were logic fails, and fear takes over.  This is the black hole of the social media internet that all writers and bloggers fear.  This is the place where your level-headed sanity begins to question things and your resolve wanes in the face of public opinion.

I want to tell myself that I should never read the comments.  But the reality is that I needed that reminder that the world is not as advanced as I have been leading myself to believe.  My readers are amazing.  My supporters are wonderful.  But there is an entire world out there that is going to judge first and ask questions never.  When I finish writing my first book, this is the world I will be facing.  This is the place I need to be aware exists and this is the land I need to learn to rise above. 

In the meantime, thank you for reading, supporting and doing what you can to build the sex positive community.  I need people like you and I hope on some level you need me too!

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Dick Pics and Liars

I don’t think there is a female blogger (or writer in general with social media) out there regardless of her subject matter, who has not written something about hating dick pictures.  We, collectively, have tried raging, raving, shaming, blocking, reporting, and basically pleading to anyone who will give us an ear to please, end the appearance of dicks in our inboxes, e-mails, DM’s, PM’s etc.  The bottom line is we are sick and tired of them.  I wrote a post called Dear Random Penis in my first few years of blogging and it remained my highest views post for years.  I personally had tried all of the about to make the pictures stop, but sadly there was just nothing I could do.  And for a while I was left with this feeling that I must be bringing it upon myself because of the subject matter of my blog and the pictures I shared. And let me just say, that I am disgusted and horrified, that I have ever felt that way. 

I was so angry in fact, and so sick and tired of the constant barrage of non-consentual nudity that I actually change my own tactics.  I stopped posting naked or riske pictures of myself on my blog, choosing instead to move them over to a subscription based site here.  And I cannot even tell you how much it pained me to do that.  I love freedom of expression, but I was just sick and tired of constantly being angry, outraged, horrified, or just disgusted by the sight of a strangers penis. 

And what’s worse, I started to hate seeing dicks of my own choosing, and even switched up my porn viewing a little bit.  I was over saturated and resentful.  Since shifting the photo’s on my blog, I have actually noticed a huge reduction of dick pictures.  Which makes me worry that I may have been right.  Were men really thinking that the whole you showed me yours, so I’m going to show you mine mentality was acceptable? 

And what’s equally troubling, is that every time I see a person complain about a random nude picture in their DM’s, the comment sections ramp up with men acting horrified, and publicly shaming these poor individuals.  In fact it is so rampant, that I have even seen a guy who sent me a dick pic (with whom I shamed mercilessly over private message) join the bandwagon, shouting shame and slander, even going so far as to say “men who do that are scum and should be reported, shame on him.  That’s gross, and I am here if you ever need to talk”.  Yes, that is in quotes for a reason and I had more than one of those to choose from. 

I don’t know what it is going to take to men stop doing this abhorrent behaviour.  I know what steps I have taken to minimize it, and help me go back to loving the naked male form again.  But while I found a bandaid fix, this is obviously not a solution. 

So guys, tell me, what will it take to make you stop?  What can women do to prove that we don’t want to see your naked member unless we ask?  Why do you think that a 1 in 9999999999 chance of it working is a statistical probability that you are willing to side with?  When will it end?  Because honestly, you are ruining freedom of expression, sex and the body positivity that the non-consenting recipient is trying to strive for.  

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Ways I “O”, Being a Female

If you follow me on Twitter then you most likely have seen the interactions I have had over the last few months with a little account run by Jane.  If not, here is a quick rundown.  Jane likes to self promote herself as a sex educator and brags that she has over 20 years investigating everything to do with the female orgasm.  She has no education in the field, instead she is financially so well off that she does this as a passion project and won’t let silly things like science get in her way.  She constantly does shout-outs pleading with any women who orgasms to reach out, and talk to her about them, because according to her “women are terrified when talking about orgasms” “and only orgasm as part of the male fantasy”.   When I started following her she had an impressive 208K following count, was asking lots of questions and seemed to be fairly responsive.  I love reading anything to do with sex, and a women doing research on orgasms seemed like a really cool account to follow. 

But then, it got a little weird.  I remember reading one of her little quips which stated that a woman cannot orgasm through her cervix because it was not a sex stimulator and any women who claims to do so does not actually know what on orgasm is.  Hmm… Well that just doesn’t seem right.  And with a few internet searches of actual scientific research I found that this is not factually based. Phew, my body is not wrong according to science and I do know what an orgasm is.  So, I did my due diligence and wrote to her about my own experience with being multi-orgasmic and a few links to the research I had just done.  And very swiftly she removed herself as a follower of mine and I moved on with my life… until late last year when her name popped up again.

So I went onto her feed looking for information on any recent research she had about orgasms. One of my early posts on Quality versus Quantity of my own orgasms is a piece that I always wanted to expand a on, so I will be honest, I just filtered her many posts looking primarily for orgasm research.  But what I found instead was alarming.  She mentioned that women only get turned on by fantasy and erotica, and that physical stimulation is not a real orgasm in women.  She went onto say that vibrators were an invention of the sex industry to help women fake orgasm and what a female achieves with one is not authentic.  After being horrified for a few moments, I went on a quick, then filed her under the, “must be a troll” category and tried to get on with my life. 

But honestly, with that many followers and so many mutual sex positive friends in common, I began to doubt.  Why would all these people be following her too?  I mean, I will be honest, when I first came across her account I questioned the validity of my own orgasms and actually did some research.  So, while a troll she may be, this was bordering on dangerous.  A self promoted sex educator who spouts things that sound click baity could actually be doing harm to those looking for help or knowledge.  And that’s when I decided to start quoting, questioning and rallying a few people to take notice.  And after a few weeks, I am very proud to say it worked.

I was blocked from her within the week of my mission.  It turns out that she doesn’t accept anyone challenging her opinions.  She believes that her ability to achieve orgasm once every two weeks makes her special and a unique individual, and therefor anyone who achieves more than that is misguided, uniformed, faking it, or just plain lying.

Being as open as I am, I take great offence in being called a liar.  I can achieve multiple orgasms in a single session, in a wide varieties of ways including clitoral, internally (deep and… well not always so deep), and externally on various parts of the erogenous zones on my body.  I am not including this to brag, but one of her accounts key points is that women will not talk about orgasms, that we afraid, ashamed, or just don’t achieve it, so it must be a myth for the majority.  And I am hear to say loudly and proudly that each of us achieves sexual satisfaction in our own ways.  They should all be celebrated, and explored and repeated whenever possible.   So, thank you all for being part of this amazing sex positive community, and for those who interacted with her, thank you for asking questions, and sharing your own experiences.  I hear and see your words!  

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Our First Hotel Takeover – A Tale in Two Parts – Part II (NSFW)

So, with the logistics and lessons learned all blogged in part I, lets move onto the sexy adventures part that I know you are all waiting to read, because really, isn’t that the whole point of attending a lifestyle party?

We arrived at the New Years Eve Ballroom dressed to impress, or as the theme goes, Fancy as Fuck!  I was wearing a sexy red dress with nothing underneath, and my partner was looking dapper in his three piece suit. We had a little liquid courage back in our hotel room while waiting for midnight to arrive, so were feeling pretty confident as we walked into the grand ballroom moments after the ball dropped.  Here we stood, looking around at the hundreds of people drinking, mingling and grinding on the dancefloor. The visual sensation was amazing, with girls in little panties and pasties dancing in cages, couples getting to know each other on white leather couches, and a full dancefloor lead by a live DJ and a laser light show. There were smiling faces everywhere, and it was contagious.

Now if you will recall in part I, I remarked how important the meet and greets and early events are to being successful at a hotel takeover. Having been unaware of this, our evening got off to a slow start. I, for all my credit, have not practiced the art of opening up a couple in a long time.  Back home we let our costumes do most of the work, and here we found ourselves in a situation where we didn’t immediately stand out as being the most outlandishly dressed. In addition, this was a room full of people who had already vetted each other out and in many cases had playtime all weekend long.  A few it seemed were all partied out from the night before and simply stayed till midnight before dragging their hungover butts back to their rooms.

Never one to be discouraged in new situations, my partner rallied and challenged me to a little game. My goal was to go up to a stranger and open them up. It didn’t matter if I wanted to fuck them, they just had to want to fuck me by the end of the conversation. I love games, and with a few deep breaths, I found a woman, beautifully dressed, standing alone, and I went to make my move (which is especially challenging for me because I am for the most part straight). Success!  I opened, got her laughing and was actually able to introduce my partner to her, and she in turn tried to introduce her husband to us.  As it turns out he was distracted, so we took our leave to continue the hunt.

Walking around the dancefloor, my partner, encouraged me to go up to a guy in a pineapple suit, dancing happily on the dancefloor and compliment him.  This I serendipitously did, and both he and his girlfriend would end up opening doors for us, and inviting us to parties for the remainder of the night. After dancing, and chatting up a few more couples in the ballroom and the afterparty, we decided it was time to pursue some sexy fun. The pineapple suite couple invited us to their afterparty, and it was here we learned a magical thing of hotel afterparties, the open door policy.  If the door lock is flipped open, you are free to just walk into any room and find the sexy show of your choosing. It’s an incredible thing.  7 or 8 floors in a hotel, and at least 2 open doors on each floor (we were told that the night before there were a tonne more). Even so, here we stood, in a room with a bunch of strangers talking about vibrators, butt plugs and spankings. Moments like this will always seem surreal to me. Finding a bunch of sex positive people, all in a room, talking about sex like it is completely natural, and commonplace. I get a little quiet in these moments, just taking it all in. I watch, just listening as people laugh, tie each other up, pull out toys and bring out copious amounts of lube. It is an experience like none other. After watching for a few more minutes it was time for my partner and I to find some sexy adventures of our own.

I will gloss over the next few hours of hotel exploration, and hallway blowjobs, because I want to get to our steamy and sexy story which if is too much for you, then please stop reading here. Also, this is a great time to point out, that swinging is not easy! It actually took us hours to find what we were looking for, with constant negotiations, checking in, and of course sips out of our flask! But again, let’s fast forward to about 4 in the morning where our hard work was about to pay off.

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We found a hotel room, that we had been in and out of already a few times. It had a stripper pole, a table full of booze, bed, couch and a few chairs. I was publicly giving my partner a BJ on the couch, with a few onlookers (which is one of my favorite things to do at a party), and he was edging closer and closer to cumming. Just before he reached the moment where he would lose control, he begged to fuck me on the bed. Suddenly I was bent over the side of the bed, with my dress lifted, and him lubing up his hard cock. Within seconds he was inside me, pounding me, leaning me propped up on the side of the bed.  A woman dressed in a school girl costume sat on the bed beside me, and a guy who was pursing her looked longingly at playing with us both. He asked politely if he could touch me. With a slight pause I said yes, and he gently touched my arm. When he got the go ahead from the school girl he started fondling both of us. Within moments my partner was asking to touch her, too, while pounding me, and the playful four-way groping had commenced.

It’s hard to describe the feeling of two new mouths, licking and sucking your nipples, while fondling each other, and your partner fucking you from behind making you cum again and again, and watching his outstretched arm fondling her small and very perky breasts.  These are moments you want to freeze frame and relive again and again, which is the main reason I am writing this.  Pure sexual bliss and freedom.  That moment of shared pleasure, and pure ecstasy. With everything building, it was time for my partner to join in the cumming fun.  He flipped me onto my back, and within a few thrusts was ready to let loose all over my exposed breasts and stomach.  At the moment of climax, the guy behind me grabbed my breasts and played with them as cum shot all over my bare body.  With exclamations of oh, that is so hot from the couple sharing our experience, we breathlessly finished.  Happy and exhausted. It made everything we had experienced that night worth the lessons and learning curve.  We came, and we were beaming with the after-sex glow we love so much.

Our first hotel takeover was a success.

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