Recently, I rejected a guy on POF by stating that we were only looking for couples right now. If you have heard me say this before, it is my standard rejection, and I state looking for couples right on my profile. As sometimes happens, he got very upset with being told no, and responded with the length of his penis, followed by a picture of it. True to form, I reported him, blocked him, and then went on to Twitter to vent my frustration and ask the age old question: Why do men still do this?
While I received the usual support, I also received a shocking response. While I am usually pretty level headed about the garbage I get being sex positive online this one got under my skin and rattled me. A guy responded with “I can honestly not understand how you can be so humourless, yet pretend to be so sexual. And yes, block away”. Wait a tick, my sexuality is being called into question because I was angry at receiving a non consent based nude image, also known as sexual harassment? Did you know that in Texas, and possibly soon to come into law in NYC that sending an unsolicited dick picture on an online dating site is actually now illegal?
This isn’t me just being a prude here. This is such a rampant problem, that people are beyond sick and tired of it, and we are taking legal action by demanding laws to protect us. I don’t think it’s funny to laugh about an unsolicited dick in my inbox. This is harassment. It’s not funny. Unless the thought process is that men want us to start laughing at their penis’ I just do not follow the logic. How many more posts, podcasts, blocks, and laws do we need to pass to make it clear that this is not funny.
I recall my mom being exposed to on a c-train about 20 years
ago. The crazy thing about the whole
situation is how many people were around her, and did nothing. They pretended not to see it. When the cops arrived, there was only one man
who came forward as a witness out of nearly 10 people who should have seen
something. My mom pleaded with the woman
who was sitting beside her to come forward, but she refused. Should we as a society just laugh that
off? Should we just laugh it off when
someone is rejected by a complete stranger and they lose their shit and send what
may or may not be their fully erect penis?
Is complacency the target here? Or worse, making it a joke?
And now let’s deal with the fact that this random guy on twitter, took the time to comment on my own sexual nature because I didn’t laugh. I felt publicly shamed. My sexuality was openly called into question. How is that OK? Why did this guy (twitter) who claims he has never sent a dick pic himself still rationalizing that I am somehow in the wrong for standing up for what I believe in. I think sending a dick picture should be a criminal act just as exposing yourself in public to a stranger. I do not think that this stance should be a reflection of my sexuality, or my sex positive stance. That is an asinine correlation and positively disgusts me. That`s as dumb as saying I asked for it, because I rejected the guy on the online dating site. NO! My sex positive nature will not be on trial here. No, my sensual boasts hold firm. I have a right to consent to what level of nudity I see in an online world. That does NOT diminish my sensual nature. In fact, I think it increases it, because I know what I want, need, and what turns me on!
Because I am sensual, sex positive, and love showing off, please consider supporting this post and checking out my behind the scenes pictures!
After nearly a decade of living, researching, and blogging about non-monogamy, I decided it was high time to share a little bit of what I have learnt with the masses. And thus, I am creating a series on Medium.com whereby I am writing a how to “non-monogamy” guide. It is an exciting endeavour and so far, the responses have been overwhelmingly positive. And, if you’re thinking that I am going to rant about a negative review, have I got a surprise for you! No, this post is about something that surfaced when I queried a local Facebook group for input on future articles. (Which if you would like to add some suggestions I would love to read them!) And after I go off on my side of things, I am going to show a completely different perspective of the same events, and then I am going ask you to decide where you sit on the issue. No, it’s not a test, and you don’t have to publicly share your answer. Instead, I want you think about how your intentions are coming across on social media, especially in light of the #metoo movement, because for better or worse, it has changed the tone of how we relate to each other, and more importantly our ability to reason.
So without further ado, I present harmful comment, or compliment: You Decide!
Yesterday, I was asking a group of lifestyle people on
Facebook for their suggestions on future articles in my non-monogamous how to
series. A female member of the group
requested that I write a piece for a male audience, and when I asked further what
she meant, it turns out that she has troubles opening or even saying hi to a
person in the lifestyle. In short, she explained
that she was looking for more of a how to guide with starting conversations
with other people in non-monogamy, and agreed this would be beneficial for both
sexes. I graciously thanked her, as this
was exactly the sort of thing that should be included in a series like this. Now, here is the point of contention, a male
commented with the following using our thread:
I think all you would need to do
is say “hi”. Pretty sure it would get your point across if he’s from a LS group.
While I kept my reply fairly mundane, in my head I was reeling, and I rushed to type out all of my thoughts. Firstly, a female asked me for help. It was specific to my article, and yes, although it was a public forum and everyone is welcome to add their input, we were in the middle of a question and answer thread. In short, a guy butted into a place that added zero value.
Second, she specifically said she was having troubles just
saying hi. So random guy ignores that,
and just suggests that she say hi anyways?
What point does saying “hi” ubiquitously get across, even on a lifestyle
site? Hi, is not consent, negotiation,
or really anything other than a pleasantry.
And listen, if a “hi” on a LS club is like some secret handshake, then
honestly, there needs to be a very bright neon warning sign for all of us who
were unaware of this fact.
Third, this woman was a very good looking brunette, and my Spidey
senses went off in a flash of an objectifying nature. She asked for help, and the
guy turned around saying, no, you don’t need to do anything but show up and all
This in general, is why, I reasoned that women have difficulty asking for help publicly where men are, and why so many of us have private groups for sharing our thoughts and expressing ourselves. I hate writing pieces with such a strong gender bias, but in the social media realm world this exists all the time and the word mansplaining had to be coined.
But now, let’s flip perspective. Let’s remove my biases, and just try and put ourselves into the male writers, or readers shoes.
Firstly, the guy was just trying to give a compliment. He saw a woman asking for help, thought to himself, nah, she doesn’t need that, look at her! She is already amazing, and he wants to tell her so. Completely benign, harmless, and ripe with good intent.
Second, he honestly thought offering her words of encouragement would make her feel better, and boost her ego. Ergo, he was being helpful, and thoughtful. At the end of the day, he is a really great guy, and wanted to tell her that in a way that has worked for decades, the negging method.
Third, he is being completely honest in that he imagined receiving a message from her, and was expressing that truthfully, no further work was needed beyond the initial interaction. He would take it from there. A woman just saying hi, is hot, confident, and should be encouraged. That’s just what he was trying to do. No ill intent meant, and he would be happy to take the lead, after her initial interest.
In summary, he is doing what he has always done on social media. He has typed a comment based on his gut reaction and impulse. Perhaps he cares little for how it is interpreted because he is just being himself. That freedom to do, say, or type whatever you want is what makes online interaction so fun and easy. He doesn’t see her body language, reaction, or any idicators to show whether it worked or didn’t and this he is going to continue acting in the same manor until he is told otherwise. And if she does respond, but not in the way he wants, no sweat, she doesn’t get him and will move right onto the next person.
I hope you have made it to the end of this post. Because what I am about to say gets to the real heart of this two perspective issue. Times have changed. Our online social interaction is, impacted by the #metoo movement. We have all felt it, in one way or another. We have seen even the most innocuous comment get blown way out of proportion, as some of you may think I have done. We have also seen the flip side, of people using humour, or negging, or just saying absolutely anything to get noticed in an interweb where it often feels like you have no voice and have to shout incredibly loudly to be heard or stand out. Any attention is good attention right? Type as fast as you can, and do not spend even a moment to think about how your words will come across because we only have a 3 second attention span, and you need to be noticed above all, good, bad, ugly, it doesn’t matter. Trolls seem to have more followers and interaction than anyone right?
Wherever you initially were sitting on this little choose your own perspective piece, the main thing I hope you takeaway is, right now, everything you put online is being interpreted from different biases. We are not in a place where we are just getting along, and existing in bliss amongst a multitude of diversity and opinions. Instead we are clashing, clamoring, and crying out foul whenever our biases are superseded by that which makes humans so unique, our ability to reason. We keep asking How Should We Behave, but we are not actually doing anything to listen to the answers.
So, pause, and think about how your words are going to be viewed and interpreted online. Decide what your intent is when you type those words on a page, and if they are not received the way you intended, tweak them next time. Change your tone. Find a new way to stand out in this new world of social interaction. Don’t waste the ability to reason and think. There is more to life than just being right.
If you like this post and want to join in on the conversation, why not follow me on Twitter? Or check out all the behind the scenes content, including my erotic fantasy shorts on my Patreon?
Are you ready for one of my pet peeves? Ok, mostly I am writing this post so I can better understand why this term sends me into a rage, and hopefully come out more understanding on the other side, though I am not holding my breath. The term that really has my panties in a bunch is when I get offers to play. Further, just using the word playing with me, or pleasing me, or really any of the variations such as playtime, looking for a playmate, and new partners to play, just squicks me out! I am a grown woman who wants to be more than your pleasure toy, or any of the variations these words equate to. Especially when it comes to strangers. There is no way, a person can open on an online dating site, with, “hey, I saw you were non-monogamous and I have a friend who is willing to play with us” will EVER work with me.
Deep audible sigh of frustration has just occurred as I typed that out direct from a recent message. Why does a phrase that is so common in the lifestyle, swinging community, etc. bug me so much? The first thing is, I equate sex with intimacy. Unless we have a strong bond, or intense physical chemistry (in person only), I just will not enjoy sex as just an act. I have great difficulty with the concept of sex as exercise or just thrusting through the motions. Sex is so much more to me than just the orgasm. It is the person, sights, smells, sounds, feelings, etc. that make it something that I adore so much. So, to just relegate it to playtime? Ick.
The other thing that bothers me about just playing with people is the whole juvenile aspect of the word play. I love running around like a kid outside, playing ridiculous games with my friends, and laughing till I cry while playing fetch with my dog as he brings the toys back in every manor of silliness. This sensation of feeling like a kid again, or being responsibility free, even for a moment is something I strive to achieve as much as possible. But the line is very clearly visible for me when the clothes come off and there is a possibility of the sensual or intimate to happen. I just cannot ever envision me saying “Ok hunny, it’s playtime” with the aim of having sex. Or dare I say, asking a stranger to “play with me”. Bleh!
I am trying, in this moment, to envision a time where sex was playful, funny, and just a complete messy situation that had everyone howling. And the truth is, I can remember countless times when this has happened. I even recall a few moments during one of my hottest MFM’s. But the big difference is that these situations happened with people I was very comfortable being intimate with. This wasn’t just a spontaneous “playtime” that had every stranger giggling. No, this was intense hilarity with people I trusted implicitly with my body, and my mind.
Ok, I am beginning to realize my actual dislike of the word and why that is. I hate when strangers want to play with me. I despise when a person online wants to be my plaything or vice versa. And I especially loath when a stranger, offers up, yet another stranger as a way of stringing me along and trying desperately to give me what they think I want, AKA a blatant attempt just to get into my pants. Playing with me, equates to me feeling objectified specifically when it comes to someone I have never met, and now, will never go out of my way to meet.
So please, do not tell me that you want to play with me, in an effort to get me interested in you. I repeat, I am a grown woman, who does not enjoy the idea of playtime with strangers. While using any sort of sexual context in an opening message will get a swift delete from me, using play will make me gag, and make irrational decisions like reporting and blocking. Don’t put me through that. Be thoughtful, creative, and treat me like a real human!
Well, thank you for sharing in the eye-opening dissection of why this term really turns me off. Do you have a term that elicits a similar reaction? Let me know on Twitter or in the comments section. Or as always, you can chat with me on Patreon, and also see my behind the scenes photo gallery from this and many other posts!
Over the past few weeks, I have been branching out my writing, podcasting, and now I need a little bit of help. Some of you have been reading since the very beginning of this blog, while some of you are very new, or just occasional readers. So, no matter how you happen upon this little post, your feedback, and input are equally important.
Breaking Away From Monogamy
Firstly, this blog has and will remain about my random thoughts on everything to do with relationships, non-monogamy, and all subject matters that relate to sex positivity. But further to that, I have developed a sex positive podcast, currently called BreakingAway. In this, my aim to is talk about all subject matter related to being sex positive, sex education, and exploring other people’s relationships and why they are a part of this incredible sex positive community. So, in the comments section, are there any topics that you would like me to explore? What burning questions do you have that you would love to hear me talk about?
Second up, if you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed that I have begun to write a few erotic fantasies. So, dear readers, where would the best fit be for me to post these? A few suggestions would be a teaser called blog after dark, whereby I write the first part, and then the second for any Patreon fans who want to read more. Or another suggestion would be for me to add an audio component to my Patreon and actually read a few of these for anyone who wants to read them. I have a few reasons for not wanting this erotic writing to just be free on my blog, is the subject matter. If my website gets flagged for erotica or porn, then I will have major hurdles to deal with when it comes to the branding of it. There are so many new rules right now for the word porn, sex, etc. and really, I just don’t want to have to censor myself. And making these posts public, would mean I have to. So what are your thoughts? How would you want to consume my non-monogamous fantasy shorts? Please write in the comments.
Non-Monogamous Relationship Coaching
Third, is my dating and relationship coaching website. I have been toying with the idea of shutting this down altogether and bringing a few tabs over onto my main blog page breakingawayfrommonogamy. While this would save me a bit of money, ultimately, the majority of you have asked me to keep it separate. So, if you are looking for book reviews, recommendations, non-monogamous dating or relationships coaching I do have a separate website that you can reach me at breakingawayfromrelationshipnorms.com. I have had so many people reach out to me over the years, that it would be a shame to shut down that resource side and that is not what I want to do. I want to be available to help, answer questions, and basically remain a resource. So if you are curious, please feel to reach out to me there, and we can discuss the next steps.
Sex Positive Books and Blogs
Fourth and final thought. Earlier this summer, I announced my newest website which is sex positive books and blogs. The hope was for this to be a resource centre for people to explore media related to being sex positive. I have reached out to a few contributors to share their books, blogs, podcasts, etc and the response has been amazing so far. For my end, it has been a matter of finding the time to ensure that I am promoting and placing your amazing contributions in an easy to use place. This is still a go, but it will take a bit more time before I make it active. So thank you, and please stay tuned on the Twitter news feed for my next announcement.
Contact Me or Comment Below
So, that about summarizes my questions for you. I would love for you to comment, and share your thoughts and ideas about where you want what, and how you best enjoy consuming your sex positive content! If you do feel uncertain about posting publicly, you may also DM or e-mail me. The only caveat if you don’t want to make it public, is that I would ask is you please like this post on whatever social media you see it on so I can get the most feedback possible and best plan for the fall.
For the past few years I have been running on empty,
treading water so to speak (not that I actually knew what was happening or what
was wrong at the time). I found myself
in a situation with too many changes at once.
I was forced to pick a new career, and that put everything I had and was
into flux. I was completely overwhelmed
by uncertainty. My default mode was to
just stay positive. Remain optimistic
and hopeful that things would inevitably get better, because they had to. If I just kept putting good things into the
universe then at some point, the good would have to flow back to me.
Well, that dam finally broke and I was no longer able to hold
it together. As I watched everything
around me crumble, I felt despair in the realization that hope was no longer
going to feed me, or keep a roof over my head.
It was terrifying. After what I
believe was akin to a panic attack I reached out for professional help. There was no way I could reset myself
alone. I was done. What I had been doing for 3 and a half years
was no longer working. I needed
guidance, and a new way to approach the seemingly insurmountable stress and
help me find meaning in my new direction.
At this point, I want to point out that I am not trying to
give any medical or professional advice when it comes to mental health. I knew I was in trouble, but the whole, you
don’t know what you don’t know was rattling in my head. And it took a highly trained professional to
hone in on exactly what I was missing. And
that, was to give myself permission to recharge. To take a break in my day, and do an activity
that I loved, could bring me joy, and allow me to give myself a mental, physical,
and emotional break. For you see, I had
been treading water for so long, that I got myself into a feedback loop whereby
I could only get ahead if I gave it everything I had. And if I failed, it was simply because I was
not working hard enough. But I wasn’t
getting ahead, so I need to push harder, and not stop until I reached the goal. In all that struggle, I lost myself. I lost the joy in life, and I couldn’t relax.
Every single time I watched TV, guilt
would strangle me. That nagging voice
telling me I should be writing, I should be networking, I should be taking
photos, and podcasting and creating and on and on and on. I was burnt out.
It took a professional for my stubborn self to let go, and
accept that I needed this recharge. And not
only once. I needed to work into my daily
and weekly schedule a time to rest, relax, laugh, and just have some fun doing
an activity outside of my normal routine. Life will always have stress, and life will
always have difficult times ahead. It’s
how we choose to react, and how we interpret the events that really
matters. Perspective is everything. And if that perspective is based on facts,
then guess what? You’re laughing. And I could only see that, once I had allowed
my mind, body, and soul to stop running on empty. To take a real break. And to incorporate joy and rest into my
So why then did I call this post nudity and nature you may ask? Well, because for the past 2 weeks, I have been getting out into nature to write, and I am celebrating this momentous change in my perspective. Or perhaps, more of a refresh, back towards something I used to do when life was just a little bit easier or at the very least with a clear path. Once I got into nature, and found a beautiful secluded place, all I wanted to do was strip down and become one with it. Cliché or not, I just felt incredibly joy in standing with my bare breasts in the sunshine, taking all the beauty in, and knowing for the next few hours this was my sanctuary. To celebrate all the joy, to smile, and to sit down and write completely distraction and internet free. If anyone wants to share in my joy, please check out my Patreon to see the full images of me at one with nature.
And, if any of you resonated with this post please reach out. There is no shame in it. We need to ensure that we are working
together to end the stigma around mental health. And that starts with talking about it. Normalizing the stresses we feel, and
removing shame or guilt in not being able to do everything on your own.