Tag: Sex Positive

Dear Body: It Has Been So Many Months…

    K Ghislaine

I worked so diligently on really listening and being fully intuitive with my body. It was a long process, but I worked on a lot of emotional trauma, and got to place where I could be gentle with myself and my emotions. I felt empowered by this triumph. I sit here now, realizing that I no longer trust anything my body is doing. The earnest desire to become pregnant has turned all the rational cues I used to rely on, into damn bloody liars! Month after month, I experience every early pregnancy symptom, and month after month, I realize that they were false alarms. It is disheartening to know just how many months we have been trying for.

The best advice, as I’ve mentioned before, is to just relax. When it happens, it happens. And truly there is little more that I can do, beyond what I am doing. My next appointment with the fertility clinic is in a month, and while I have already waited 3, this last one seems the longest. I guess I was hoping that I would be able to tell them, I needed them for a different reason, an early pregnancy. And yet, all signs point to that simply not being possible.

I realized today, that I am 2 cycles away from us trying for a year without success. I cannot believe that it has been almost 9 months since my last chemical. As much as those suck, at least something happened, and my hormones and body changes were the result of something trying to get started. These past 8 months I have experienced varying degrees of symptoms. All different, and all contributing to my roller-coaster of hope versus despair.

It’s so odd, that I can be with the most wonderful man in the world, who makes me feel like a god damn queen, who has never been this happy. But, that I am also able to still feel the agony of my body letting us both down. The harder you love, the harder you fall I suppose. The range of emotions just gets deeper and deeper as your experiences increase. I suppose in a way, that is healthy, and a good sign that I am truly living life to the fullest, but there is darkness. As I type, Time in a Bottle, by Jim Croce plays in the background, and it’s true, there just never seems to be enough time. And that means I cannot waste any energy feeling sorry for myself, that we just haven’t conceived in such a long time. But saying the thing that makes sense, and believing the thing are two vastly different states of mind. I fear my rational one, is losing out to the hormonal one far more often than I am comfortable with.

Vulnerability is beautiful in so many ways. And it allows a person to really love, and feel, and I am grateful that I overcame so much to get here. I feel whole, and intense. But also a little wild, and out of control, which doesn’t suit me. That side lets in the fear. The fear that I might lose control, and just wind up in a puddle on the floor, unable to snap myself out of the void. My only saving grace is that I know I am not alone. There are people in my life who I can wholeheartedly rely on to keep me sane. I trust them with my heart, and my volatility, because they are flawed humans who love as I do. We have trust, compassion, and empathy for all that makes us humans. And it is this that keeps me going. This network of support that rises above the pain I feel on a monthly basis.

We keep trying. It’s all we can do. And I keep picking myself up off the floor, because as it turns out, reaching rock bottom is the biggest lie we tell ourselves to keep on trucking. I hope, I will be able to start rebuilding trust with my body sooner rather than later. For now, I am helpless. And at the mercy of my body, and the hormones that take over more often than not. One day, I will hold that baby in my arms… I will.

Thank you all for the love and support during this time. A special shout-out to those on my Patreon who have access to all the behind the scenes, including my newest project… a Podcast, because yes, distraction keeps me going!!!

Let’s Talk About Baby Making

    K Ghislaine

Yes, It is Story Time… But Not Mine

I love the amount of people in my life who are so excited that my boyfriend and I are trying to start a family. It’s so supportive and amazing! I love you all for sharing in this journey with us, whether you are reading along, or sending me messages. And ultimately thank you all for basically giving us the go ahead to have sex, lots and lots of sex! It really means the world to me, and my libido! Oh, and I am pretty sure he enjoys it too. Again, thank you all!

We as a society are a fascinating people. It would be super weird for me to walk into a room and say, guess what everyone, I just had sex! OK, weird for most people, but possibly not me? I digress. If a person does that, the looks on peoples faces would be very mixed. And dare I say that most in the room would portray varying levels of discomfort, and disbelief. Where are those smelling salts? Bragging about intercourse… Bad. But, and here’s the butt, talk about baby making and the shift of emotions is palpable.

With growing frequency, I find myself telling people that we are trying, instead of horrified looks we are getting enthusiastic and happy responses. People are even excited at the prospect of us creating new life, offering words of encouragement, and at times tips and tricks. Not actual sex positions, but things to try to get your body ready, herbal remedies and advice in keeping those swimmers inside for the longest possible amounts of time. So yes, it turns out, the way to make sex talk permissible is to sugar coat with baby making intentions. Damn. If I had only known this sooner, I could have been so rich!

Take the title of this article for example. If I had used my original idea of Sex, but this time for procreation, the censors of social media would have limited its reach. But, to use the term baby making, I can override the naysayers and get this out there. Which is good, because I have a task for you readers at the end of this. Sex for pleasure is not something we can talk about in normal society, and well, that’s probably why I write about it so often. Censorship is not something I’m keen to observer. In fact, it’s one of my least favourite things, so I tend to mention sex, orgasms, and share nudity a lot (which you can access on my Patreon)! But let’s get back to this post.

Now, I’m sure you are wondering what point could I possibly be making. It’s just this, we as a society continue to be afraid to talk about sex, but when it comes to procreation, the most widely acceptable form of intercourse, then it is marginally better. I cannot think of any religion or society that does not encourage the act of penetration for the act of being fruitful and multiplying, and well, when you have faith on your side then you are golden. So now, I can finally say that I am joining the millions of people before me, saying, yes, I am ready to have lots and lots of unprotected sex with the love of my life because we are ready to create a new being in our images! Sex writing is suddenly encouraged, because we are doing it for sanctified reasons. Did I use that term right? It’s been a while since my Catholic school days.

Betty’s Toy Box (affiliate link)

So thank you for the support in me having unprotected sex! I really appreciate it. But I need more than just support right now. I need your help and input. No no, not in that way. I have definitely have that part covered, sex is easy, especially when two people fit so well together. No, what I need from you is your stories, specifically I want to know your baby making stories, and all the details that made it special. Partly because I want to make sure we are doing the creation part right, and partly because, when else are you going to get this opportunity?

I’ve read that orgasmic sex is better for increasing the odds of conception. Is that true? I’ve also read that booze has helped a great number of people lower their stress levels, allowing their bodies to just go with the flow, so to speak. Did you drink the night you conceived? Was it just dumb luck? A one night stand with perfect conditions? Do you always get pregnant after eating certain foods? Or what about a particular position? What makes baby making happen in your world? I’ve also read about certain lubes helping. Or teas, or fertility specialists, or maybe you have no idea. That’s really interesting to me too, because the thing I have read the most, that it happened when you were least expecting it, and had stopped trying. So let’s talk about what you were doing to stop trying, yet still having what I assume was unprotected sex.

Either way, this is your time to shine. Feel free to message me privately and with your permission I will add to the comments section on your behalf keeping you anonymous. Or brag about it. That’s always awesome too. Come on people, let me read your stories for a change!

Trying to Conceive: Is There a Right Way?

    K Ghislaine

There are two schools of thought that I have encountered with my trying to conceive journey, and there seems to be no clear right or wrong. The first is to live like you are already pregnant, and the other, is to just live your life and if it happens, then it happens. I’ve been trying the first without success. The second method, scares me, because I don’t want to do something that accidentally creates another miscarriage. I’ve admittedly, been slowly relaxing the first method, simply because, I know the effect that stress has on the body. And quite frankly, as a person who thrives in stressful situations, I am not always the best at recognizing at what point too much is. That is a work in progress, as I discussed in my latest Medium article on Stress and Polyamory.

Stress is bad. But the clock is ticking and thus it’s difficult to just allow things to happen, but rationally I know that is the only thing I can do. Other than of course working towards getting seen by a fertility specialist, which is my next step, after the gynecologist assured me that everything is fine. My impatient self screams out, if everything is fine why am I not pregnant? Then my rational self says, this is why you are always stressed! As I sniffle “I always give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it” as quoted by Alice, in Alice in Wonderland.

Do I drink the beer, which helps me to relax and keep my stress down? Or do I not drink the beer because I want to ensure I am fully body ready to make this baby thing a reality? Ultimately the only thing I can do is to try and keep myself distracted and happy because at the end of the day, I know I need to stay out of my head. Thus it is a perfect time to keep pitching my book to agents, and to keep tackling all the projects and such that life throws my way. Which of course is much easier to do during the days right after my period when I know I cannot possibly symptom spot. Serenity NOW!!!!

Why not take a break and earn real prizes? (affiliate link)

I know there is no right or wrong way. But some days I must say, it’s difficult to see so many shows portray people having healthy pregnancies the first time they try to conceive, or when they aren’t trying. That being said, we got pregnant the first time completely by accident. So there must be something to the whole, not trying thing. But somethings are easier said than done. I can tell myself that it is what it is, but then, as I said, I get into my head, and it’s almost impossible to shut that part of my hoping, and trying off. There simply is no right or wrong way, but damn do I ever wish there was something more I could be doing. Then again, maybe less is more? Our family is already started, because the two of us already have each other, and that is huge and wonderful. And I am grateful, truly. But of course, I want more, well, we both do.

I do want to take a moment to thank all the people so far who have shared their trying to get pregnant stories. I knew writing about this subject would open that door, and I am so grateful to be able to read each and everyone of your experiences. And what’s more, to have real people to talk to about this, and share the ups and downs (hear that universe? I am ready for some ups here too!). At this point in the game, I am focusing on trying to relax, and enjoy the process, while at the same time continuing to take my prenatals, and the expertise of those in the health care system. Oh and of course doing the thing the actually makes creating a baby possible!

For access to all my writings, and behind the scenes content please consider subscribing to my Patreon page.

Hormones Suck!

    K Ghislaine

So, it seems to me like my biological clock and my body are in cahoots to drive me absolutely mad.  It’s as if, now that my body knows what pregnancy feels like, it has realized it’s true calling.  And pregnant or not, I am inundated with symptoms.  What fresh hell is this?  Breasts doubling in size, right before my period and aching to high hell. The nausea, the exhaustion, and on my god the hormones!!! The fluctuations of it all are enough to drive a person insane. Is there a word for pre-pregnancy baby brain?

Perhaps I should be grateful that for the majority of my life, periods were a mere blip on my radar.  Well let me tell you, my body is absolutely making up for lost time.  Every time it realizes that I am not pregnant it goes into full rebellion mode.  And I am absolutely losing my mind, sanity, and whatever grace I have with people.  But the person you should feel most compassion for is my dear partner taking this all like a champ.

To be clear, we were not trying (as of the original writing of this post), as my doctor wanted me to see a gynecologist to ensure everything was in working order, as a direct result of having two miscarriages in one year.  So, the possibility of getting pregnant was extremely slim. But again, do you know who couldn’t hear that?  My body and hormones.  They do not care.  My biological clock screams, and they respond with volatile mood swings, tears, and a sore and aching body. 

No one warned me about this when we decided to start trying.  It’s maddening!  And it is exhausting.  I am tired of being told we shouldn’t try for the moment, then given the green light, rinse and repeat. And perhaps my body is echoing my sentiment of annoyance. My body is not getting any younger, and those eggs won’t be viable forever. So could we stop with the issues please? I am in limbo, with my body swinging me back and forth between sanity, and whatever the hell my current mood is. I just want a bit of time to enjoy all the baby making fun. But clearly, my body does not agree, and has taken a firm stance that it needs to put me through the ringer, perhaps making sure that I really do want a baby. Ugh… hormones suck!!!

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on Patreon thus far! For those who don’t know, that is where I post all of my writings, including my Medium articles, and the behind the scenes photos of my blog, instagram, and various projects.

We’re Trying…

    K Ghislaine

What a terrifying thing to admit.  Are we even allowed to do that?  This is something couples keep to themselves until the 3 month mark is over, then you announce.  But the thing is, the 3 month part is the hardest.  It’s the most nerve wracking, and the most traumatic, especially when things go wrong.  Or even when things go right, or so I assume, because it’s your first time and you’re terrified.

I’ve recently had things go wrong.  It was awful,  but we both persevered like you’re supposed to.  We grieved together, but remained separated from the world.  When I went to work, I pretended that everything was ok.  Then I would breakdown at home, where I would face another reality of the miscarriage, and then another. The isolation, and the pretending everything is alright is exhausting. It takes a toll on you. On your womanhood, or manhood, or all the things that creep into your minds as you go from hope and wonderment, to letdown, and sadness.

The medical professionals tell you, especially with the first one that’s It’s not your fault.  It’s common.  You google the stats and see about 1/4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.   But is that true?  Was mine recorded?  Am I a statistic or just another unrecorded woman who went through something we aren’t supposed to talk about? Will I go through it again? Can I persevere through another failure?

And don’t get me started on the burden and grief and sheer helplessness that is felt by our partners.  Is that what being a future parent is really about? Taking your lumps in silence and then only talking about things when they are good?  I hate the silence.   I hate that we went through that alone. 

So, I’m changing the conversation.  We are trying to have a baby.  I’m now 40 and that’s scary. 

But also incredibly fun, and so hot, and all the amazing things that sex can be, especially with the best partner that you have ever been with. If we don’t start trying now, the reality is, we will be out of time. Biology doesn’t let a woman have babies at any point in her life, my biological clock is screaming. Men, yet again have hit the procreation jackpot. They can always have babies, well almost. Whereas me? I simply cannot wait anymore to try. And because I have found the man of my dreams, who is on the absolute same page as me, it’s simply a matter of can we, rather than do we want to. So, we are trying… to have a baby.

And yes, I am terrified of bringing any of you readers along for the journey. For sharing the private, personal, and all the jazz in between. But here I am, being vulnerable and raw, again!

Thank you for all who have supported me over on Patreon. I am getting back into the habit of taking being the scenes photos, and this post is no exception. So, enjoy!