Questioning My Sexuality

My Sexuality

Many years ago, when my partner and I were first starting to navigate what our open relationship could look like, I made a bold claim.  I said, in what he probably would describe as a moment of desperation, that I wanted us both to have a girlfriend.  Someone that the three of us could hang out with, but more than that, a female that I could confide in.  I wanted a sexual new best friend.  If you have read any of my posts in regards to women, I was not raised to believe that women could support each other. Instead, I had that whole females are in constant competition myth going on in my head.  So, in an attempt to get on board with my partner dating other woman, I hatched a plan that would involve me as well. 

It was a terrible plan, born out uncertainty, mistrust, and just basically a place where I knew if I asked a female on a date, things would go terribly.  I was not in a head space to date women.  I didn’t ask myself what I actually wanted, or what I would be willing to offer a female.  So, I went back to my norm, and decided that if a female fell into my lap it would be in an organic way, and zero effort would be required.  Flash forward 8 years, and other than foursomes, I have been on exactly 2 dates with women.  And both times, it was with the pretence of just doing it to making the dating of four people easier.  So that whole, it will happen organically, has not proven to be the case.

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I think part of the issue, is that, while I will fully admit that I am attracted to humans, and not specific genders.  The underlying fact is that women make me nervous.  And not for the reasons that you may think.  I am nervous about hurting a woman’s feelings, or not being able to be my assertive self.  What I mean by that, is I set ground rules, then expect them to be followed implicitly because I am a passive lover.  With women, I wouldn’t even know how to start.  I have this whole, romantic notion in my head, and nowhere in that scenario is a discussion about likes, dislikes, or who leads versus follows.

And this ambiguity, has ensured that I do not make any first steps when it comes to women.  I have on our couple profiles that I am sexually comfortable, but primarily straight.  It feels wrong to say that I am curious or bisexual, because I have never felt that connection or intimacy with a woman that has tipped the scales.  In fact, my female experiences have been drunk, or from incredibly aggressive women that have actually scared me off.  I can say for certainty that having a stranger force their tongue down my throat while I am getting off is NOT a kink of mine. 

So, why do I write this post?  Honestly, because I am questioning if my relationship fluid nature, also extends to gender fluidity.  I am curious what it would be like, yet, feel held in place by not wanting to lead anyone on, or worse, make a female feel that I was just using them to really find out if I have more of a bisexual tendency than I realize.  And I am nervous about opening pandoras box.  I don’t know if I would be able to handle the attention of being non-monogamous and a little bit bi-sexual.  That feels like far too much responsibility to handle.  And to all you incredible people on Twitter that are both, I am in awe daily of how you navigate that, schedule and maintain the complexity of the relationships, and just live so authentically!  So here I sit, on the sidelines, questioning my sexuality, and wondering what having an actual girlfriend would look like…

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Sex and My Mental Health

Is the mischief being managed?

No matter how hard I try to pretend that my sex life is not intrinsically linked to my mental health, I cannot.  When I do not orgasm for a few days, my capacity to handle day to day tasks diminishes.  And when I have not been hugged, kissed, cuddled, or am starved for intimacy for any length of time I flounder.  I want to be better than this.  I want to be independent of my dependency on intimacy, but I just cannot do it.  I can be brave and strong for a while, and then, before my eyes, I see my judgement and basic autonomy over my own emotions faulter.  I see my confidence fade and worse, I begin to make negative correlations such as, my life is this way because I must have done something dreadful in a past life, and other such rhetoric.  And to be clear, I don’t even believe in past lives, so this dialogue makes absolutely zero sense.

I will admit, that I don’t enjoy asking for sex or intimacy.  It is one of those things that I take for granted and usually just falls into my lap (this is not a brag, just a pattern I have noticed).  Or I have developed a dynamic with a person who loves being the instigator and we fall into an incredible thing whereby I never quite know when I’m going to get laid (and I love that!).  But this time around, things feel different.  I’m not sure if it is age sneaking up on me, or what, but I just feel like I am looking for connections in all the wrong places.  And that is making me fail even harder.  I mean, I usually love a great challenge, and the thrill of something forbidden. This works well for me, because up until recently, I have always had something to fall back on.  So coming back from the “hunt” empty handed, was never an issue.  I have never felt this starved before. 

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And it is wearing me down.  I have questioned my self worth, my sex appeal, my value, and basically the whole, do I even deserve to be loved?  I can honestly tell you that being non-monogamous (a post about where I have been in the non-monogamous world for too long) does not make any of these feelings easier.  I feel the same loneliness I would if I was in a partnership with just one person.  Just because I am able to see multiple people does not mean that I am free of feeling this void, this emptiness.  And it would be melodramatic to state that it is even harder, because I am doubly or triply lonely.  That I should already have my tribe and never feel this way.  That somehow the whole point of this expansive relationship norm, should prevent this total collapse into my pity party.  But, I am no different from any other lonely person, figuring life out, and trying to get their needs met, both emotionally, and physically.

I just want to love with my whole being, and be loved the same way in return.  And until I can find a rational, and ethical way to get my physical needs met, I am going to struggle mentally.  I need the orgasmic release of endorphins to get me through this next little while.  I cannot fight this battle as it’s just a part of who I am.  I want to be wanted, and I want to continue going after things that make me feel amazing. And in this, there is no conclusion, simply putting out into the void the rock and hard place I find myself in. 

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Breaking Away: Embracing My Fluid Relationship

Piloting my own life

I am standing on the verge of something that feels completely out of my control, and yet, I know I am responsible for putting everything that is about to happen in motion.  I worked so hard to throw every single ball I could into the air and get things started for me in my personal and career world, I didn’t stop to consider what may happen if I caught more than one of those balls.  Or worse, if I caught none of them.  So to put it more plainly, I am Breaking Away from the comfort I knew, and forging my own way!

I have always believed that the universe starts aligning when you are on the right track.  That you run into more people that you have connections with, that serendipity starts to strike with increased frequency, and just generally, better things start to happen.  I feel that right now.  The balance is being restored because I am taking control of my future.  The problem inherent in this, is I might have taken a little too much control of that future.  So much so, that I am not entirely sure, which of my decisions has begun the domino effect of this shift.  Which is both exciting, and scary.

2018 was a very bleak year for me financially, and personally.  2019 did not start any better.  But here, I find myself seeing some return on the work I have put into not only myself, but my relationship, and recreating a social network of incredible human beings.  I feel a growing confidence to be my authentic self.  To put myself out there in a way, I never have before, by that I mean in the real world, and not just on paper.  The nagging fear that I will end up alone, and with nothing is still there.  But that voice is getting a little softer with each passing day. 

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It feels like I am getting my strength back.  That I am less consumed by the what ifs, and more cognizant of the reality that I will survive whatever I am to face.  Well, of course with the exception of being hit by a bus.  I built up a brand, and am starting a career out of nothing but my experiences.  That is real, and it grows more tangible by the day.  While there is so much uncertainty in my current relationship, I am for the first time in months feeling hopeful.  Not in certainty that we will be together forever as I felt before, but rather, that we will both be where we need to be this time next year.  If you love something, set it free.  While many who know me on a personal level may guess at who this refers to, you will be surprised to find out, it’s actually about me.  I am setting myself free to pursue what and who I want on my terms.  I may come home empty handed, but I won’t regret this time of self learning, discovery, and finding a way to pursue some pretty intense dreams of my own. 

I share this in my Breaking away from monogamy blog because I have an amazing support network through you my readers and all those that I love.  I have given a lot of thought to term that I feel is starting to fit my life, and that is having a fluid relationship.  While I don’t like labels per se, I am finding comfort in a term that can grow and evolve with me, my lifestyle, and my relationships.  As I am about to turn 36, I am eager to start exploring a more fluid dynamic in my life.  Breaking away from the regret of not jumping through the right hoops.  And instead cherishing what I have accomplished, while not lamenting what I have lost or was just unable to achieve.  I like many, hate admitting failure.  And these past few years, I have had to come to terms with a lot of my own failures and shortcomings.  But here is to new beginnings, a more realistic outlook for the future, and the certainty that I am putting out my best self for all the sexy new adventures life will be throwing my way!

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Being Sexual and Laughing It Off

Being Sexual

Recently, I rejected a guy on POF by stating that we were only looking for couples right now.  If you have heard me say this before, it is my standard rejection, and I state looking for couples right on my profile.  As sometimes happens, he got very upset with being told no, and responded with the length of his penis, followed by a picture of it.  True to form, I reported him, blocked him, and then went on to Twitter to vent my frustration and ask the age old question: Why do men still do this

While I received the usual support, I also received a shocking response.  While I am usually pretty level headed about the garbage I get being sex positive online this one got under my skin and rattled me.  A guy responded with “I can honestly not understand how you can be so humourless, yet pretend to be so sexual. And yes, block away”.  Wait a tick, my sexuality is being called into question because I was angry at receiving a non consent based nude image, also known as sexual harassment?   Did you know that in Texas, and possibly soon to come into law in NYC that sending an unsolicited dick picture on an online dating site is actually now illegal

This isn’t me just being a prude here.  This is such a rampant problem, that people are beyond sick and tired of it, and we are taking legal action by demanding laws to protect us.  I don’t think it’s funny to laugh about an unsolicited dick in my inbox.  This is harassment.  It’s not funny.  Unless the thought process is that men want us to start laughing at their penis’ I just do not follow the logic.  How many more posts, podcasts, blocks, and laws do we need to pass to make it clear that this is not funny.

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I recall my mom being exposed to on a c-train about 20 years ago.  The crazy thing about the whole situation is how many people were around her, and did nothing.  They pretended not to see it.  When the cops arrived, there was only one man who came forward as a witness out of nearly 10 people who should have seen something.  My mom pleaded with the woman who was sitting beside her to come forward, but she refused.  Should we as a society just laugh that off?  Should we just laugh it off when someone is rejected by a complete stranger and they lose their shit and send what may or may not be their fully erect penis?  Is complacency the target here? Or worse, making it a joke? 

And now let’s deal with the fact that this random guy on twitter, took the time to comment on my own sexual nature because I didn’t laugh.  I felt publicly shamed.  My sexuality was openly called into question.  How is that OK?  Why did this guy (twitter) who claims he has never sent a dick pic himself still rationalizing that I am somehow in the wrong for standing up for what I believe in.  I think sending a dick picture should be a criminal act just as exposing yourself in public to a stranger.  I do not think that this stance should be a reflection of my sexuality, or my sex positive stance.  That is an asinine correlation and positively disgusts me.  That`s as dumb as saying I asked for it, because I rejected the guy on the online dating site.  NO!  My sex positive nature will not be on trial here.  No, my sensual boasts hold firm.  I have a right to consent to what level of nudity I see in an online world.  That does NOT diminish my sensual nature.  In fact, I think it increases it, because I know what I want, need, and what turns me on!

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How VR Has Impacted My Sex Positive Life

From My First Glimpse of a Penis, to the Incorporation of VR

Breaking Away VR Style

“Can I f*&% you while I watch VR porn?”  Of course I said yes, and you may be thinking that I am the coolest chick ever, but hot damn it took me a long time to get to this place.  Looking back on my interactions with porn, I find I have this OK, ok, ok, then sudden, STOP!  Porn for me is right on the cusp of my emotional control, or lack there of in most situations.  Are you ready for story time, and how VR has impacted my sex positive life?

My very first experience with porn started innocently enough, I was simply looking for a picture of a penis.  I was 14, had just seen my first one on TV and I was super curious.  So I googled “penis”.  Now, you have to understand that this was 20 or so years ago, and Google was not so refined.  If you wanted to search a topic, you didn’t have the tab for image search.  You actually had to land on a webpage that had pictures and go from there.  After looking at a few, and realizing that there was a lot of diversity beyond the sideview I had seen in sex ed class, I needed to figure out a way to see one that stirred more than just a passing intrigue. As luck would have it, I found a site that promised to e-mail you one penis pictures every day.  This blew my mind, and would be my teenage dirty little secret for many years to come.  So I created an “untraceable” e-mail account through Hotmail, and signed myself up under a fake name.

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The next morning, true to the ads claims, I received my first erect penis.  Are you ready for the love hate part?  Well, this seemed exciting at first, because I felt rebellious, and a little dirty.  But the truth was, more often than not, I wouldn’t enjoy seeing the naked dicks.  In fact a few made me feel a little squicky.  So, rather than allow my morning to be ruined, I would stockpile the images for a few weeks at a time in hopes that I would have a better chance of finding one that I liked. The idea was, with a bunch on hand, I could have a little personal playtime.  I would bring my vibrating toy up to the computer room (20 years ago remember?) when no one was home and I would peruse these pictures. If I am honest, I got off as a result of the vibrations, and the fear of getting caught far more often then the dick pictures I was looking at.

And then something changed, I saw an image with two penis’.  I clicked on it, and it turns out that is was a signup for gay porn!  I was instantly intrigued and terrified.  I remember clicking, seeing waaaaaay too much graphic nudity for my young mind, and shutting everything down.  NOOOOOPE!  That was an eyeful.  I didn’t know what any of that meant, or was, or could even process what had just happened.  I was in catholic school, just learning about sex ed, and here I had just witnessed hardcore porn far before what I was prepared for. 

I closed that chapter of my life with a hard bang.  I didn’t use any visual stimulation to get off until I was in a committed relationship, which was 4 or so years later.  Imagine being so terrified that I actually avoided anything porn or nudity related for 4 years?  This was a pattern that would continue off and on with VHS, DVD’s, internet porn, and even my post about just going into sex stores. Watching porn, and getting off on it did not come naturally to me. Even now, I get off more by my own fantasies over that of what others have created either visually or with their words. But hot damn, when my partner says to me, bend over.  And then devilishly, asks me if I would be OK with him watching VR while f*&%ing me, I cannot help but grin and grab the lube. The best of all worlds come together in that moment, he lost in the visual and audio stimulation, and me, with eyes closed feeling the 4D of all my dirty little fantasies that I am finally starting to put onto paper. So far, VR is a welcome addition to my sex life…

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