Recently, I rejected a guy on POF by stating that we were only looking for couples right now. If you have heard me say this before, it is my standard rejection, and I state looking for couples right on my profile. As sometimes happens, he got very upset with being told no, and responded with the length of his penis, followed by a picture of it. True to form, I reported him, blocked him, and then went on to Twitter to vent my frustration and ask the age old question: Why do men still do this?
While I received the usual support, I also received a shocking response. While I am usually pretty level headed about the garbage I get being sex positive online this one got under my skin and rattled me. A guy responded with “I can honestly not understand how you can be so humourless, yet pretend to be so sexual. And yes, block away”. Wait a tick, my sexuality is being called into question because I was angry at receiving a non consent based nude image, also known as sexual harassment? Did you know that in Texas, and possibly soon to come into law in NYC that sending an unsolicited dick picture on an online dating site is actually now illegal?
This isn’t me just being a prude here. This is such a rampant problem, that people are beyond sick and tired of it, and we are taking legal action by demanding laws to protect us. I don’t think it’s funny to laugh about an unsolicited dick in my inbox. This is harassment. It’s not funny. Unless the thought process is that men want us to start laughing at their penis’ I just do not follow the logic. How many more posts, podcasts, blocks, and laws do we need to pass to make it clear that this is not funny.
I recall my mom being exposed to on a c-train about 20 years
ago. The crazy thing about the whole
situation is how many people were around her, and did nothing. They pretended not to see it. When the cops arrived, there was only one man
who came forward as a witness out of nearly 10 people who should have seen
something. My mom pleaded with the woman
who was sitting beside her to come forward, but she refused. Should we as a society just laugh that
off? Should we just laugh it off when
someone is rejected by a complete stranger and they lose their shit and send what
may or may not be their fully erect penis?
Is complacency the target here? Or worse, making it a joke?
And now let’s deal with the fact that this random guy on twitter, took the time to comment on my own sexual nature because I didn’t laugh. I felt publicly shamed. My sexuality was openly called into question. How is that OK? Why did this guy (twitter) who claims he has never sent a dick pic himself still rationalizing that I am somehow in the wrong for standing up for what I believe in. I think sending a dick picture should be a criminal act just as exposing yourself in public to a stranger. I do not think that this stance should be a reflection of my sexuality, or my sex positive stance. That is an asinine correlation and positively disgusts me. That`s as dumb as saying I asked for it, because I rejected the guy on the online dating site. NO! My sex positive nature will not be on trial here. No, my sensual boasts hold firm. I have a right to consent to what level of nudity I see in an online world. That does NOT diminish my sensual nature. In fact, I think it increases it, because I know what I want, need, and what turns me on!
Because I am sensual, sex positive, and love showing off, please consider supporting this post and checking out my behind the scenes pictures!
From My First Glimpse of a Penis, to the Incorporation of VR
“Can I f*&% you while I watch VR porn?” Of course I said yes, and you may be thinking that I am the coolest chick ever, but hot damn it took me a long time to get to this place. Looking back on my interactions with porn, I find I have this OK, ok, ok, then sudden, STOP! Porn for me is right on the cusp of my emotional control, or lack there of in most situations. Are you ready for story time, and how VR has impacted my sex positive life?
My very first experience with porn started innocently enough, I was simply looking for a picture of a penis. I was 14, had just seen my first one on TV and I was super curious. So I googled “penis”. Now, you have to understand that this was 20 or so years ago, and Google was not so refined. If you wanted to search a topic, you didn’t have the tab for image search. You actually had to land on a webpage that had pictures and go from there. After looking at a few, and realizing that there was a lot of diversity beyond the sideview I had seen in sex ed class, I needed to figure out a way to see one that stirred more than just a passing intrigue. As luck would have it, I found a site that promised to e-mail you one penis pictures every day. This blew my mind, and would be my teenage dirty little secret for many years to come. So I created an “untraceable” e-mail account through Hotmail, and signed myself up under a fake name.
The next morning, true to the ads claims, I received my first erect penis. Are you ready for the love hate part? Well, this seemed exciting at first, because I felt rebellious, and a little dirty. But the truth was, more often than not, I wouldn’t enjoy seeing the naked dicks. In fact a few made me feel a little squicky. So, rather than allow my morning to be ruined, I would stockpile the images for a few weeks at a time in hopes that I would have a better chance of finding one that I liked. The idea was, with a bunch on hand, I could have a little personal playtime. I would bring my vibrating toy up to the computer room (20 years ago remember?) when no one was home and I would peruse these pictures. If I am honest, I got off as a result of the vibrations, and the fear of getting caught far more often then the dick pictures I was looking at.
And then something changed, I saw an image with two penis’. I clicked on it, and it turns out that is was a signup for gay porn! I was instantly intrigued and terrified. I remember clicking, seeing waaaaaay too much graphic nudity for my young mind, and shutting everything down. NOOOOOPE! That was an eyeful. I didn’t know what any of that meant, or was, or could even process what had just happened. I was in catholic school, just learning about sex ed, and here I had just witnessed hardcore porn far before what I was prepared for.
I closed that chapter of my life with a hard bang. I didn’t use any visual stimulation to get off until I was in a committed relationship, which was 4 or so years later. Imagine being so terrified that I actually avoided anything porn or nudity related for 4 years? This was a pattern that would continue off and on with VHS, DVD’s, internet porn, and even my post about just going into sex stores. Watching porn, and getting off on it did not come naturally to me. Even now, I get off more by my own fantasies over that of what others have created either visually or with their words. But hot damn, when my partner says to me, bend over. And then devilishly, asks me if I would be OK with him watching VR while f*&%ing me, I cannot help but grin and grab the lube. The best of all worlds come together in that moment, he lost in the visual and audio stimulation, and me, with eyes closed feeling the 4D of all my dirty little fantasies that I am finally starting to put onto paper. So far, VR is a welcome addition to my sex life…
Do you want to read my latest fantasy? Check out my Patreon.
After nearly a decade of living, researching, and blogging about non-monogamy, I decided it was high time to share a little bit of what I have learnt with the masses. And thus, I am creating a series on Medium.com whereby I am writing a how to “non-monogamy” guide. It is an exciting endeavour and so far, the responses have been overwhelmingly positive. And, if you’re thinking that I am going to rant about a negative review, have I got a surprise for you! No, this post is about something that surfaced when I queried a local Facebook group for input on future articles. (Which if you would like to add some suggestions I would love to read them!) And after I go off on my side of things, I am going to show a completely different perspective of the same events, and then I am going ask you to decide where you sit on the issue. No, it’s not a test, and you don’t have to publicly share your answer. Instead, I want you think about how your intentions are coming across on social media, especially in light of the #metoo movement, because for better or worse, it has changed the tone of how we relate to each other, and more importantly our ability to reason.
So without further ado, I present harmful comment, or compliment: You Decide!
Yesterday, I was asking a group of lifestyle people on
Facebook for their suggestions on future articles in my non-monogamous how to
series. A female member of the group
requested that I write a piece for a male audience, and when I asked further what
she meant, it turns out that she has troubles opening or even saying hi to a
person in the lifestyle. In short, she explained
that she was looking for more of a how to guide with starting conversations
with other people in non-monogamy, and agreed this would be beneficial for both
sexes. I graciously thanked her, as this
was exactly the sort of thing that should be included in a series like this. Now, here is the point of contention, a male
commented with the following using our thread:
I think all you would need to do
is say “hi”. Pretty sure it would get your point across if he’s from a LS group.
While I kept my reply fairly mundane, in my head I was reeling, and I rushed to type out all of my thoughts. Firstly, a female asked me for help. It was specific to my article, and yes, although it was a public forum and everyone is welcome to add their input, we were in the middle of a question and answer thread. In short, a guy butted into a place that added zero value.
Second, she specifically said she was having troubles just
saying hi. So random guy ignores that,
and just suggests that she say hi anyways?
What point does saying “hi” ubiquitously get across, even on a lifestyle
site? Hi, is not consent, negotiation,
or really anything other than a pleasantry.
And listen, if a “hi” on a LS club is like some secret handshake, then
honestly, there needs to be a very bright neon warning sign for all of us who
were unaware of this fact.
Third, this woman was a very good looking brunette, and my Spidey
senses went off in a flash of an objectifying nature. She asked for help, and the
guy turned around saying, no, you don’t need to do anything but show up and all
This in general, is why, I reasoned that women have difficulty asking for help publicly where men are, and why so many of us have private groups for sharing our thoughts and expressing ourselves. I hate writing pieces with such a strong gender bias, but in the social media realm world this exists all the time and the word mansplaining had to be coined.
But now, let’s flip perspective. Let’s remove my biases, and just try and put ourselves into the male writers, or readers shoes.
Firstly, the guy was just trying to give a compliment. He saw a woman asking for help, thought to himself, nah, she doesn’t need that, look at her! She is already amazing, and he wants to tell her so. Completely benign, harmless, and ripe with good intent.
Second, he honestly thought offering her words of encouragement would make her feel better, and boost her ego. Ergo, he was being helpful, and thoughtful. At the end of the day, he is a really great guy, and wanted to tell her that in a way that has worked for decades, the negging method.
Third, he is being completely honest in that he imagined receiving a message from her, and was expressing that truthfully, no further work was needed beyond the initial interaction. He would take it from there. A woman just saying hi, is hot, confident, and should be encouraged. That’s just what he was trying to do. No ill intent meant, and he would be happy to take the lead, after her initial interest.
In summary, he is doing what he has always done on social media. He has typed a comment based on his gut reaction and impulse. Perhaps he cares little for how it is interpreted because he is just being himself. That freedom to do, say, or type whatever you want is what makes online interaction so fun and easy. He doesn’t see her body language, reaction, or any idicators to show whether it worked or didn’t and this he is going to continue acting in the same manor until he is told otherwise. And if she does respond, but not in the way he wants, no sweat, she doesn’t get him and will move right onto the next person.
I hope you have made it to the end of this post. Because what I am about to say gets to the real heart of this two perspective issue. Times have changed. Our online social interaction is, impacted by the #metoo movement. We have all felt it, in one way or another. We have seen even the most innocuous comment get blown way out of proportion, as some of you may think I have done. We have also seen the flip side, of people using humour, or negging, or just saying absolutely anything to get noticed in an interweb where it often feels like you have no voice and have to shout incredibly loudly to be heard or stand out. Any attention is good attention right? Type as fast as you can, and do not spend even a moment to think about how your words will come across because we only have a 3 second attention span, and you need to be noticed above all, good, bad, ugly, it doesn’t matter. Trolls seem to have more followers and interaction than anyone right?
Wherever you initially were sitting on this little choose your own perspective piece, the main thing I hope you takeaway is, right now, everything you put online is being interpreted from different biases. We are not in a place where we are just getting along, and existing in bliss amongst a multitude of diversity and opinions. Instead we are clashing, clamoring, and crying out foul whenever our biases are superseded by that which makes humans so unique, our ability to reason. We keep asking How Should We Behave, but we are not actually doing anything to listen to the answers.
So, pause, and think about how your words are going to be viewed and interpreted online. Decide what your intent is when you type those words on a page, and if they are not received the way you intended, tweak them next time. Change your tone. Find a new way to stand out in this new world of social interaction. Don’t waste the ability to reason and think. There is more to life than just being right.
If you like this post and want to join in on the conversation, why not follow me on Twitter? Or check out all the behind the scenes content, including my erotic fantasy shorts on my Patreon?
If you read my post about nudity in nature, you should be up to speed on how stressful and intense my life has been. With that said, as I am coming back to balance in my life, and am better equipped to handle the day to day stresses, something sexy and surprising awoke in me. And that was a little fiction erotic fantasy writing. It’s a genre of work that I have never even allowed my brain to think about, or at least nothing beyond a paragraph or two. I love non-fiction and it’s primarily what I read and write, but as it turns out, dabbling in the creative has been incredibly cathartic for me, and my libido too.
There is something so sexy and freeing about allowing your
brain to fantasize about a new situation, and then actually putting that
fantasy into the written word. It takes
on a whole new shape and form, and then screams out to me to just let go and experience
it. The first 2 pieces felt like they
were already fully formed in my brain and desperately needed to get out. While the third one, felt more like I was creating
it on the spot, in the heat of an incredible moment while I was alone, typing
in the woods.
As I type this post, I feel drawn to typing more erotic shorts, and it’s like there is this intense creative and sexual tension in me, just bursting to get out. I am not sure where this type of writing will lead me, but I am very excited to explore it. I will leave you with a public excerpt of the first one I wrote, and put the rest under my Patreon for the time being. Again, this is a brand new medium for me, and I hope you enjoy exploring it as much as I do. I have no idea what frequency I will be typing them out, but if you’re interested in this type of writing and want to have something drafted up that is a little more personal to you, drop me a line, and we can talk about it further.
I hope you enjoy this little tease from Breaking Away After Dark…
Here we sit across from each other, in the sunshine of a
busy patio. Beers in hand, smiles, and a
conversational flow that most people envy.
Our legs nearly touch under the table.
I can feel the warmth of that not quite innocent knee touch, and my face
flushes at the thought. We are so close,
surrounded by strangers, who know nothing of our situation. We laugh, chide each other on, sipping our
beer just a little too fast. And then, I
make a move. The first move since that
incredibly drunken night of flirtatious delight. I reach across and touch your arm as I go for
my beer. You don’t pull away.
Instead you lock eyes, and smile that devilishly crooked
smile. I flush deeper this time. Shocked at my brazenness, and relieved that
you didn’t pull away.
But now what comes next? For you see, I know that you are married, and you know that I am in an open relationship. We have discussed where we are, but not where we are going. Are we to remain locked forever in this flirtatious tease? I playfully touch, and you remain confident and steadfast. You are certain I won’t cross any lines. You trust me. And I sigh. That deep longing sigh, that is almost audible to the patrons around us….
To read the rest of part i of my non-monogamous fantasy, please check out my Patreon.
Are you ready for one of my pet peeves? Ok, mostly I am writing this post so I can better understand why this term sends me into a rage, and hopefully come out more understanding on the other side, though I am not holding my breath. The term that really has my panties in a bunch is when I get offers to play. Further, just using the word playing with me, or pleasing me, or really any of the variations such as playtime, looking for a playmate, and new partners to play, just squicks me out! I am a grown woman who wants to be more than your pleasure toy, or any of the variations these words equate to. Especially when it comes to strangers. There is no way, a person can open on an online dating site, with, “hey, I saw you were non-monogamous and I have a friend who is willing to play with us” will EVER work with me.
Deep audible sigh of frustration has just occurred as I typed that out direct from a recent message. Why does a phrase that is so common in the lifestyle, swinging community, etc. bug me so much? The first thing is, I equate sex with intimacy. Unless we have a strong bond, or intense physical chemistry (in person only), I just will not enjoy sex as just an act. I have great difficulty with the concept of sex as exercise or just thrusting through the motions. Sex is so much more to me than just the orgasm. It is the person, sights, smells, sounds, feelings, etc. that make it something that I adore so much. So, to just relegate it to playtime? Ick.
The other thing that bothers me about just playing with people is the whole juvenile aspect of the word play. I love running around like a kid outside, playing ridiculous games with my friends, and laughing till I cry while playing fetch with my dog as he brings the toys back in every manor of silliness. This sensation of feeling like a kid again, or being responsibility free, even for a moment is something I strive to achieve as much as possible. But the line is very clearly visible for me when the clothes come off and there is a possibility of the sensual or intimate to happen. I just cannot ever envision me saying “Ok hunny, it’s playtime” with the aim of having sex. Or dare I say, asking a stranger to “play with me”. Bleh!
I am trying, in this moment, to envision a time where sex was playful, funny, and just a complete messy situation that had everyone howling. And the truth is, I can remember countless times when this has happened. I even recall a few moments during one of my hottest MFM’s. But the big difference is that these situations happened with people I was very comfortable being intimate with. This wasn’t just a spontaneous “playtime” that had every stranger giggling. No, this was intense hilarity with people I trusted implicitly with my body, and my mind.
Ok, I am beginning to realize my actual dislike of the word and why that is. I hate when strangers want to play with me. I despise when a person online wants to be my plaything or vice versa. And I especially loath when a stranger, offers up, yet another stranger as a way of stringing me along and trying desperately to give me what they think I want, AKA a blatant attempt just to get into my pants. Playing with me, equates to me feeling objectified specifically when it comes to someone I have never met, and now, will never go out of my way to meet.
So please, do not tell me that you want to play with me, in an effort to get me interested in you. I repeat, I am a grown woman, who does not enjoy the idea of playtime with strangers. While using any sort of sexual context in an opening message will get a swift delete from me, using play will make me gag, and make irrational decisions like reporting and blocking. Don’t put me through that. Be thoughtful, creative, and treat me like a real human!
Well, thank you for sharing in the eye-opening dissection of why this term really turns me off. Do you have a term that elicits a similar reaction? Let me know on Twitter or in the comments section. Or as always, you can chat with me on Patreon, and also see my behind the scenes photo gallery from this and many other posts!