Until you can again get consent from every person you interact with…
I try not to speak out against people in the swinging community, for one simple reason, I think it is more beneficial to show the good in the community. However, right now there are podcasters, even organizers, and club owners who are basically shining a horrific bright light on the community, and I all I can think is “you do it to yourself!”. It is heartbreaking, because I spend countless hours each week trying to dispel taboo’s, and talk about the great points of non-monogamy. Dispelling myths is absolutely my jam, and while I don’t have a huge reach, I feel that what I do is valuable. But here I am, watching people I follow like @CooperSBeckett and Steak&Tequila speaking up, and I feel compelled to join them, by saying Swingers, stop swinging.
I won’t mince words here with my point. There are swingers right now who are putting their sexual lusts ahead of the good of the community and that makes me sick to the stomach. I am not OK with hotel takeovers during this global pandemic. I am not OK with sex clubs being open, claiming that they are only open to consenting adults who know the risks, because there are just no get out of jail free cards here. I recognize that the club owners need to keep their livelihood, but the cost is just too great here. I have empathy for every small business owner out there, but you cannot put people in harms way for profit. You just can’t, it’s wrong.
I am going stir crazy at home. I hate not being able to go out and meet new people in person like I used to do. I miss dancing, flirting, having sex in front of a group of consenting adults. I hate the isolation, and yeah, my libido feels like a caged animal right now. I even broke my favourite vibrator due to over use. But, my love of my fellow man is more important. These are small sacrifices in the grand scheme of things.
I’ve said it before, but when you go to a sex party during a pandemic, you are putting the cleaning staff, uber/cab drivers, liquor store clerks, grocery store clerks, and each and everyone of your family members at unnecessary risk. Why? Because you selfishly need to get laid! Often these innocent bystanders are lower income, and don’t have the choice to say no to work. But guess what? You, have the choice to put your sex drive on pause, for the good of others.
There has been such a push for consent, and if you’re a swinger I know you have heard the word. Well, consent isn’t just about sex. Consent is a norm that should be extended to all humans we interact with. And let’s face it, there is no way you are telling your elderly parents that you can’t see them for 14 days because you have to isolate after sex with strangers. There is no way, you are telling your babysitter that you are wearing a mask to drive them home, because you have just had your face in a stranger’s crotch. While swingers are more adept at hiding their lifestyle, if no one is supposed to be going out in groups, you stand out like a sore thumb! Just stop it!
I want to get back out there in 2021. But the more I see about people saying, bring your parties to Florida, we have no restrictions. Or emails saying, the hotel takeover was sold out in record time, and we are looking for a bigger venue. Or advertisements of podcasts driving across the country bringing the parties to you! I am just… tired. So tired. And sexually frustrated, and there is no end in sight.
If you are reading this, and feel it is a stretch and I am drawing ridiculous conclusions, I actually feel very sorry for you. In fact, I think I am under reacting, because the damage you are doing to the integrity of the non-monogamous community is heartbreaking. When this is over, we may have to go back underground, hide in shame, and stop using the word ethical. That crushes my soul. It’s a loss I am not prepared for. So please, cancel your events. Stop taking risks in the name of sex. And follow this simple rule, if you’re not willing to be open and honest in seeking consent when putting anyone into contact with you, you probably shouldn’t do it!
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Around age five, I knew when I saw myself in the mirror it didn’t match what I saw on TV. People with white skin made the decisions, announced the news, led the adventures, and ran the world. People like me were barely seen and heard except for some recurring roles on TV shows or the occasional mention that this person was the “first” of our kind to be heading an important seat.
My mom made sure I got a good education because having a strong education background could make my life “easier”. I excelled in reading and other subjects. I tried sports, but the idea of playing in sports didn’t work.
My time in the military exposed me to the world and allowed me to parlay my abilities to show that I can navigate through any social circles. However, no matter the places I went to or the people I met; no matter my background or how I spoke; no matter my education or how well I could integrate between both the Black and Caucasian worlds I could never fully be included into their world. The systemic racism built into every part of our social construct would be a stumbling block for full integration and acceptance.
When I came into the Ethical Non-Monogamy world I hoped this could be a place for me to fit in without much effort. That wasn’t the case in this community either. Many times I find myself–like many people of color— as a person (or people) on the outside looking in. But the woman who was with me is White, Irtish/Scottish, and knew the scene better than I did. Without her, I think I’d be on a different path in the scene.
I could rail away about club owners or organizers not doing enough to integrate more and creating an equal space so no one was left out. Nor do I blame those who painstakingly tried to create conferences for ENM communities could flourish. I do believe there are people who try their best to include people of color in the mix. My thought is really listening and having an honest discussion on how the chasm can be filled between Whites, Blacks, and all other minority groups.
In light of the recent shootings and deaths of Black people around the country in the past few decades that include the death of Minneapolis resident George Floyd, the non-monogamous community must not just change but have some deep discussions about where we go from here. I think if we want the type of community Ethical Non-Monogamous people strive to have–one where everyone is equal, integrated, and striving for diverse relationships–it will happen when we start to discuss the issues facing us as a nation. It will also mean the White community must really listen to Black/Brown people about their experience in such settings.
—–
Growing up in Northeast Ohio as a Black African-American we were never taught in school or home about the idea of having more than one person to love. Nor did we ever get lessons about enjoying having multiple partners in various scenarios or even find joy in our sexuality. No, my sexuality summed up by my mother’s stern warning to me at the time to not “make any grand-babies right now because I’m too old for that shit”. I was also the product of both the Catholic and Protestant churches where sex equated to purity and the right of passage once one is married. Sex outside of marriage–be it before or during– had no place in the world they wanted me to live in. The problem was I LOVE SEX and all the trappings with it!
I would learn later in life about these things in a classroom from a trained human sexuality teacher that all the guilt and hang-ups I had with my faith walk were wrong and that sex is pleasurable and can be enjoyed regardless of where I was in life.
I needed to hear that from someone outside of the realm I lived in. Sadly, the marriage I had before was over and in hindsight was okay. If we both got a more informed background on practices like Swinging, Polyamory, or Open Relationships the marriage could at least have a chance to survive.
The crux of it all regarding sexuality and my race is how at the time the amount of good information was available to my community. We fended for ourselves trying to figure out what is out there in the world and what is acceptable by our peers. I didn’t know any Black men or women who took the time to read up and find out about such things to get proper information.
I identify as a swinger in an Interracial Relationship. With our first circle of friends we met in the club I was the only Black person in the group. They were great people and we were fortunate to pair up with them. However, they don’t realize some of the things they would say (“you are the whitest Black person I know”) really hurt me. Just because I carried myself well and have an interest beyond the Black world doesn’t mean I’m trying to be White, nor does it mean that White people are the only ones who have a command of the English language. What many don’t realize is we do this to blend into, to try and defuse any tension among my White friends and show my desire to be included in the world. Even at my best I still find myself on the outside looking in.
I was always curious about swinging and open relationships. But because of the heavy influence of the church in our community or just any sexual relationship other than monogamous relationship pursuing such activities would be seen as trying to be “white”. When I came to such settings in Swing clubs and House parties I found other people of color were finding this stuff out too. Unless a black person or couple found themselves in a good group many found themselves on the outside looking in.
The other thing which was/is hurtful and makes Black men invisible is the whole “Mandigo”, “BBC–Big Black Cock” troupe where every Black male is expected to have the mythical Unicorn horn length cock stealing white women from their white men.
I wish.
Some may enjoy this fetish, but a lot of us want to be seen based on our personality, our desires, and who we are as people— not as a fetish.
And being a Woman of Color is also troubling as well. From what I observe, the frustration Black and Brown women in the lifestyle face range from being invisible to being treated by White men as a “trophy” instead of a person. Only they can tell their story more adequately, but I stand in solidarity that their desire for relationships would be treated not as “exotic” but natural.
—-
Our current circle of swinger friends have enough people of color (and middle age persons and couples) where it is comfortable and a safe place for everyone to strive to connect on all levels. It really helps to feel like you’re not the only one in the group and you are included in the fun.
If you could see the group room sometimes where we “play” together it is a beautiful mesh of Black and White bodies enjoying one another. What is even better is we truly care about one another and want the best for each other–both in and out of the setting.
What now?
What do we do now that the world realizes what the Black community said about abuse, murder, and systematic racism is true? How do the Ethical Non-Monogamy communities as a whole do to create a better relationship with Black/Brown patrons of the lifestyle?
I hope Polyamory communities and sites will take up the challenge and delve into the hard work ahead. I hope Swingers groups will not avoid talking about it, but create such a safe space for couples and single people to share and talk about the issues which affect both worlds. I hope in time the communities will strive to pull together and be under one tent together growing the community as a whole and not be separate. This can only happen when both groups strive to meet together in the middle instead of just one group doing all the heavy lifting.
This will require bloggers, podcast hosts, group leaders, and even finding the right party to facilitate a moment to lay down the rules. And it may be even important for each of us to place in our profiles just how important it is to make sure that first #BlackLivesMatter and secondly make safe spaces to talk about such issues in relation to Ethical Non-Monogamy.
Conclusion
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful that White America and the World are finally wanting to join us in the streets to protest and talk with us about how we enter under the sheets together in the bedroom. I think it is a talk we needed a long time ago, to be honest. However, I make no illusions that by the time I/we hang up our time in the Lifestyle or in the end of my life the World will look a lot better and a lot more connected together regardless of race. I do hope things will be better, people are treated with respect, and how and who we chose to pair up with we pair knowing where we came from and where we are going together.
For more from Sacred Ed, please check out the following articles on medium:
Thank you all for reading part I! And now for what you all have been waiting for, a few sexy highlights from our hotel takeover New Years Eve adventures! With three nights there, it is difficult to list everything that happened, but let me share the moments that make me the most eager to go back.
One of the clearest memories that I have is riding the
elevator down to the first meet and greet, and allowing my eyes, and ears to
take in the magnitude of where we were. To
our left was a live DJ, and in the room before us, were a bunch of like-minded people,
sipping cocktails, munching on appetizers, and just acting cool as cucumbers. It was what you would imagine any meet and
greet would be on the surface, people just there to socialize, and make new
connections. But then, this ethereal
feeling takes hold, and you realize that you are sharing a hotel, that is
filled to the brim with sex positive people, and the possibilities that being
there holds. A huge smile appeared on my
face in that moment, and my partner and I held hands as we sauntered up to the
bar and began the first of our introductions.
It’s a memory that will live with me for a long time.
The second memory that stands out is when I was told my
boobs were so perfect that they looked fake.
Here I was, playing a version of strip poker, lying topless on the bed, with
3 other couples and one of the guys across couldn’t stop staring at my
breasts. After he asked if they were
fake, the whole room starting talking about breasts, and comparing each other’s
in the most sex positive, and supporting way I have ever experienced first
hand. All the partners clearly loved
their women, and it showed by how they proudly displayed their favorite tits,
and the women all giggled appreciatively for the attention and praise. Such a beautiful moment, filled with
magnificent breasts! And holy crap did
that ever lead to some sexy fantasies later that night as I embark on my bi
curious exploration.
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For the third memory, I asked my partner what stood out most
in his mind. And of course, in true me fashion
I asked when we were sipping beer at a local craft brewery, and did not write
his words down exactly. So, I hope he
forgives me if I don’t type it as eloquently as he remembers. On new years eve, the version of strip poker
required that a truth or dare element be the penalty if you found yourself
naked. My partner got to choose the dare
for a beautiful and sexy woman who was laying naked on the bed across from
us. He dared her to give her husband a
blow job, and she delightedly got on all fours (butt high in the air, facing my
partner and I) and began to suck and stroke his cock. She took her duty seriously and after about
10 minutes, the couple beside her told her she could stop so we could resume
the game. She gave a delightful pout, licked
his cock a few more times, and then bounced right back into card game mode. It
was spectacular!
As a special bonus and conclusion memory, my partner and I
agreed that one of our shared highlights was on New Years Day, with just the
two of us. I was standing naked on our
balcony, on this beautiful and very sunny start to 2020, when my partner came
up behind me, and started fucking me from behind. With the view of pool to our
left, and our 10th floor landscape before us, he brought me to orgasm
more than a few times. As he was ready
to cum, he bent me over the railing and shot a full and glistening load all
over my back. It was so incredibly
hot! The exhibitionism of that moment,
the sunshine all over our naked bodies, and the knee buckling orgasms… it is
almost too much to type even days later.
So, with my 2020 kicking off with the most incredible orgasms, I am refueled, and ready to tackle what I hope will be an amazing year. Cheers to all of you for the love and support, retweets, questions, and of course an extra thank you to those who check out my Patreon from time to time. May the good vibes flow free this year, and I look forward to continuing this sex positive adventure with you all!
Last year my partner and I attended our first lifestyle hotel takeover and we made a tonne of mistakes (which you can read here). This year, I am very happy to report, we proved to be quick learners! For those who may not know, a hotel takeover is a lifestyle event where, for a pre-determined amount of time, the doors are closed to the public, and guests are able to let their hair down, so to speak in a sexy, secluded, and of course a very fun filled way. The event organizers usually have meet and greet opportunities, minglers, parties, and rooms booked for the sexy after parties. As it is at a hotel, guests have their own rooms right there, and I don’t have to explain why that is so amazing. While following the rules of the lifestyle are a must, the organizers highlight the importance of respecting the staff as well, and not put them into situations that they did not consent too. No orgies in the hallways, don’t get it on in staffed areas (unless specifically play approved), and just basically have a little common sense in the pool area, gym, public spaces etc. With all that out of the way, it is everything you could hope for, a huge gathering of people (this one had just about 1000) who have one thing in common, loving sex.
So, let me share a few tips and tricks that made our
adventure so wonderful, and hopefully will set you up for success too. And, as a little bonus the following post
will include a few sexy highlights from our 3 day adventure!
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Book Early
With an early booking you can ensure you have the bed size
that you choose, have lots of time to come up with a PG plan to share with your
vanilla friends, and of course you can schedule yourself as well. The added bonus is that many takeovers offer
discounts the earlier you book!
Plan on Attending the Entire Event
While situations may vary, (babysitters, logistics in
general, finances, etc) the thing that ensured we made this adventure the best
it could be, was due to the fact that we were able to attend everything. The more time you have to invest in mingling
with other people, the greater your likelihood of finding what you are looking
for. Also, the events are a lot of
fun! Even if you only are able to make a
small chunk of the meet and greets, parties, etc, it is well worth your time to
attend as much as you can.
Bring Your Own Booze and Food
This was one of the first things we realized we were short
on during our last adventure. Not only
will this save you money, but it is also a great way to invite people back up
to your room. Being the desirable place
to be will dramatically increase your chances of making the night your
own. Plus, if you have your setup in
your room, you can easily refuel on your terms, rather than having to be on
anyone else’ schedule or to go offsite each time you are hungry. One thing we did not check first was if there
was a continental breakfast included with the room, and this was a huge mistake
on our part. Do your research about all
the hotel amenities so you can be prepared.
Your focus should be on the meeting of new people, and not stressing
about food, and drink.
Dress Up for Every Event
LED lights!
One of the key things that attracted us to this lifestyle
was the costumes and dressing up. Not
only do we love showing off, but as an added bonus, following the themes in our
unique way is a great ice breaker. The
other thing we discovered this year, is with so many people in one event,
finding ways to stand out and be remembered increases your chances for success. Introverts and extroverts alike can use this simple
tool the event organizers give you to rock it.
And don’t worry about spending a lot of money. We bought nothing additional for this trip aside
from Christmas lights ($1.5 and batteries $2.50). Use what you have and make it your own!
And if you are not able to follow the theme, make sure to
smile and be friendly! Watch your body
language. Be approachable, don’t cross
those arms, and just have fun. A few
deep breaths go a long way to shake off the initial jitters.
In Summary
Take advantage of every opportunity you can to meet people. Be friendly, participate, and remember to always ask first, and say no whenever you are unsure. If you are looking for more specific lifestyle “how to’s” please check out my articles on Medium. Stay tuned for part ii… the sexy adventures. If you want a sneak peak at some of the behind the scenes photos, check out my Patreon!
One of the tenants of the swinger lifestyle is that you don’t make friends swingers, you make swingers friends. While I don’t of course agree with rules such as these, it is does lead itself into an interesting discussion that I have over the years, and now that I am little less shy sharing my blog with friends the frequency is increasing. There are a growing number of people who have concerns with how to act around me after they have seen me naked. If you don’t already know, I used to put a lot of naked photos on my blog (which are still up if you want to do some digging), and now I have a Patreon page for those more “titillating” photos that helps fund my writing and future endeavours. While I would love to have people on the lower tiers, simply supporting my work, the reality is, I have pretty much all my support on the top two tiers which ranges from pg13 to R rated content. But they are exclusively strangers, which begs the question, can you handle seeing your friends naked?
Now, here is the thing. I am open. I live my life as I see fit, with an open relationship, combined with the openness of my sexuality, and freedom of expression. I choose what goes out into the world and I love what I do. However, when people that I work with, socialize with, or even just have mutual acquaintances with find my blog or photos I ultimately will receive some pretty interesting messages (which makes me wonder all the things I don’t hear). The common theme is that they don’t want me to feel uncomfortable with them looking at me, or knowing what I look like without my clothes on.
I could play Freud here, and psycho analyze what this really
says about them, etc, but I am not going to do that. Instead, I am going to speak to the
peculiarity of the situation this puts me in.
I create public content and I have it available to everyone. So to me, that pretty much states that I am
fine with anyone in my network or outside of it consuming the content
within. In fact, it is beyond flattering
and so very appreciated that my loved ones would actually put a little money into
my pocket or a tip here and there. But
with these initial messages, I find myself in a place where I can either try
and sell the work, coerce people to look, share, support, or whatnot but often
I feel it’s only appropriate to talk them out of looking at it. No, I don’t mean in a reverse psychology sort
of way either.
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Why do I talk them out of it sometimes? Because our society, as a whole, doesn’t seem
ready to embrace nudity. We directly
correlate the nude body with sex, and then that intertwines feelings that are much
more primal than our day to day interaction with peers allows. Can I see a male naked and then talk to them
like a normal human being the next day?
Sometimes yes, sometimes I will blush a little first, and then be able
to chat with them. There is nothing inherently
wrong with that, but I understand how it could be uncomfortable for some, or
just too far outside of their comfort zone to come to terms with. And look at that, I tried not to analyze, yet
here we are. It’s a puzzling conundrum and
one that I totally empathize with. If you’re
not able to separate nudity from sex, that is totally cool. I was raised with open nudity in my household
and it just feels really natural to walk around naked, but I realize that is
not the norm, and I would never want to force my content on anyone.
But to those who worry I might feel weird or judge the people who take a look please know this, my content is out there. Embrace it. Enjoy it. We are adults and I love what I do. I enjoy getting feedback (in a sex positive manor mind you, not an objectifying creepy way), and I love that I have received such gracious support from so many of you. So, ask yourself this, would seeing me naked change our friendship in anyway for you? And if so, why would that be? And if you’re brave, I would love to read the conclusions you come up with!
And if you’re curious about the behind the scenes photos, click here!
